Life Update :)

 Hi!

It's been a hot minute since I've made a blog post. I thought it would only be fair to update you guys on everything going on.

I want to start off by saying... I'm okay! More than that even. I'm doing the best I have in a really, really long time, and I'm so incredibly grateful for that. As some of you may know, I'm currently in Québec attending a summer program! I am living here for five weeks, on my own, and so far it's been the most amazing experience- I have learned so much about a new language, about new people, and have had new experiences that I wouldn't have had back home. This opportunity has allowed me to grow in ways I didn't think would ever be possible for me, but here we are. 

A year ago today, I was in the hospital. While it may have seemed like I was doing alright on the outside, I was dying on the inside. And even when I eventually got discharged, I would still struggle immensely with thoughts and behaviors. My struggles, especially my eating disorder, still completely and utterly consumed my life. Never would I have thought I'd be able to escape that, until now. Now, I'm able to eat full meals without hesitation. I actually look forward to eating, and I don't dread it. I'm not obsessing over my body and how it looks, because I've realized that doesn't matter at all. Not to my friends, not to my teachers, and not to me. It's as if the reigns diet culture had on me lifted, and now I'm set free from all the hurt I've experienced.

Of course, I'm not perfect. No one is. If I'm being completely honest, I was expecting to come into this program and relapse. I didn't want that to happen of course, but that fear was still in my mind, especially since I was still really struggling with ED and SH behaviors. Up until a few weeks ago, I always thought of going back to the hospital. In a way, that was my safe place because it was somewhere I knew always had stability and safety; I'm not ashamed to admit this, even though it might seem absurd, but there are so many people who feel the same way I felt. After being in hospital for so long and after so many times, it starts to feel like a second home.

But for me, I don't want that to be my second home. Not anymore. Because if it was, I'd miss out on ALL of this: meeting new friends, studying across the country, traveling, LIVING. Yes, the hospital may have helped me at the time, but I sure don't want it anymore.

I hope this can help some of you understand why I haven't been posting as much. I guess I wanted some time to really discover how I'm feeling and how to put it into words, because this is the moment I've been waiting for for a while now. I didn't want to make an unauthentic post, lying about how I was feeling, because my goal for this page is to be completely honest, to be real about the realities of mental health.  So, I will be back to posting regularly as soon as possible, educating people on the ups and downs of mental illness, just as I have shared.

Because as of today, I am officially 2 weeks ED-free. 

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